Renee the Bridezilla
by atomicseasoning
Summary: What if Zelly thought she wanted to marry Jackie in 2004?
1. Chapter 1

Renee, The Bridezilla (NE)

(Here's a mini fan-fic to elaborate on the idea of Renee being a "Bridezilla.")

November 2004

Renee had talked Jack into the whole idea of getting married and he consented because he didn't want to mess up yet another relationship.

Renee: "Oh Jackee-poo our wedding's gonna be FAB-U-LOUS I just know it!"

Jack: "Uh well Renee you know my policy of keeping a low profile about it all."

Renee: "Okay hunny bunny I'll be a good girl."

Jack: "All right you better. I have to go to England for Peele's funeral, and I guess Swank's getting married over the weekend too, so I'll be staying for that."

Renee: "Okay. Ooh a funeral and a wedding how sweet! Ooh that's just like Hugh's film 'Four Weddings And A Funeral' but instead of four you're just going to one. And oh I loved that film!..."

Jack: "Well don't get any ideas that you're Adie McDowell."

Renee: "No I'm not, I'm better because I won an Oscar! Anyway too bad but I can't make it to your friend's wedding because I still have to go to a few premieres with Hugh to 'Bridgit Jones 2.' "

Jack: "Yeah you and Hugh, like two peas in a pod."

Renee: "Well you're certainly one to talk! You're still close to...er...'whatsherface'?"

Jack: "Who? Do you mean Meg?"

Renee: "Yeah her. Why is she going to the wedding for your friend? You now how I feel about that."

Jack: "She might be, and there's nothing wrong with that."

Renee: "Well you better stay out of trouble as well. Anyway I might call you with details about our big event, if I find any good ideas."

Jack: "Okay, just be reasonable. I'll see you in a few days."

Renee: "Fine love, see you la-ter!"

Jack leaves for his trip to England, meanwhile Renee gets to work calling caterers, florists, her friends back home.

A few days later, Renee calls Jack (who is still in London with Meg) to tell him all of her plans...

Renee: "Ooh hi Jackee poo, did you miss me?"

Jack: "Yeah a little, how are you doing?"

Renee: "A little? You should miss me more than that!"

Jack: "Fine then, a lot. I missed you a lot."

Renee: "Better! Anyway here are my plans; We're going to get married either on the 10th or the 25th of Dec. down at my parents place. I've already spoken to Carolina Hererra and she's agreed to make and exclusive wedding gown for me in ivory silk, with a cinched waist like Dior's "New Look" from the 1950s, but with a 20ft train. Carolina even said she could make you a matching tux or she can work with Michael Koors or Oscar De Lorenta for the tux..."

Jack: "A matching tux?"

Renee: "Of course! And Carolina even said she could incorporate a St. Lucinda wreath of candles into my veil if I wanted, but I'm not sure. I was thinking something more along the line of a tiara...maybe a veil like Princess Diana had!"

Jack: "Princess Diana?!"

Renee: "Of course! But anyway I've also arranged to have a stringed orchestra play the processional music. I was thinking of having hem play Purcell's "Trumpets Voluntary" of course for the main processional, but for the oratory I'll have Concertos (after Vivaldi) Brandenburg Concertos, Beethoven's "Ode to Joy", Handel's "Water Music" and Marcello "XIX Psalm". Plus have Cecelia Bartoli sing Mozart's "L'Amero Saro Costante", though I could always hire Shania Twain to sing "From This Moment."

Jack: "But what about one of my songs?"

Renee: "I hadn't thought of that. Would they fit? Anyway, while the orchestra is playing the music, I'll have my friend's daughters as the flower girls spreading out a million red rose pedals on a white mink carpet that I'll have spread down the center aisle. Then will be my ring bearers, my bridesmaids & maid of honor, escorted by some decent guys that I'll help you find. Then I'll walk down the aisle in my beautiful custom gown, and my diamond encrusted Manolo Blaniks, escorted by my father." "Then we'll have the ceremony, with vows personally composed by each of us, I'll sing a solo, then after the ring ceremony, the kiss and pronouncement, our guests will release the 3,000 butterflies I have ordered for the occasion."

Jack: "A million red roses? A white mink carpet? Diamond encrusted Manolo whatevers? Three thousand butterflies?"

Renee: "Then we'll be escorted to our reception where we'll drink out of champagne flutes with 'J & R' engraved on them...'JR' I wonder if the spread that played 'Southfork' on 'Dallas' is availible? My it'd be F-U-N fun to get married at 'Southfork' don't you think? Why we could make it just like Lucy Ewing's wedding! I wonder if Larry Hagman, Linda Gray, Patrick Duffy, Victoria Principal, and Charlene Tilton are availible and would like to attend?..."

Jack: "What?! Renee I don't know about a 'Dallas' themed wedding..."

Renee: "Well we'll talk about that later. Anyway I've gotta run, so I'll talk to you later hunny bunny."

Jack: "Yeah we'll talk. Bye Renee." "Argh!!"

Meg: "Something getting you down Jack?"

Jack: "Yeah something called 'Renee the Bridezilla' totally planning out our wedding with little imput from me. Oh yeah she wants this huge to-do in Texas with mink carpets and millions of roses and a stringed orchestra, and maybe even a 'Dallas' theme now! "

Meg: "Aw poor boy."

Jack: "Whatever happened to having just a simple wedding in Detroit with a few friends and family? A ceremony like that. A ceremony like..."

Meg: "A ceremony like we had?"

Jack: "Yeah something like that! It worked well for us...at least for awhile. "

Meg: "Aw it's okay Jack to think about those days. It's only natural because that's what you and I both have to compare to. Anyway when's Renee planned on having her grand festivities?"

Jack: "She said either the 10th or the 25th of December.

Meg: "So soon? Hey the 10th is my birthday, that won't work...at least for me."

Jack: "Yeah I know, and I was uneasy with that date as well, but it's Renee..."

Meg: "And what Renee says goes, I know."

Jack: "Ah I'll have a talk with her about it."

Meg: "Alright then, good luck."

Jack: "Thanks, I think I'll need it!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Well Jack and Meg eventually get back to the US from England and go their separate ways.

Eventually Jack gets around to discussing the wedding with Renee.

Renee: (on the phone to a wedding planner) "I said I wanted ivory napkins that match the table cloths on the buffet tables, and the buffet tables to match the dinner tables." "Yes, and I want the crystal and china services in an Empire pattern with gold leaf engraved with R & J...uh I meant J & R. And Yes I definitely want it all to be perfeckt!"

Jack: "Uh Renee did I catch you at a bad time?..."

Renee: "Oh sorry Marie I have to go now because Jack is here!...No you may not talk to him. No I can't give you his autograph. No, Marie...Sorry I think the connection is going now. Bye Marie, I'll talk to you later...La-ter...Oh goodbye then." "The nerve of some people." "Well hello hunny bunny it's so good to see you again."

Jack: "Yeah it's good to see you too, but cut the sickly sweet routine Renee. We've got to seriously talk about this wedding that you've planned."

Renee: "I'm, I'm sorry hunny. It's just that I thought you liked everything I did? What part of the wedding don't you like?'

Jack: "Where should I start? Well how about the date?"

Renee: "The date?"

Jack: "Well the 10th won't work for me, or at least it'd make me a bit uncomfortable, and you know why."

Renee: "Uncomfortable? Why?...Oh yeah I forgot you told me that was your ex's birthday. Well I guess if we can't satisfy "the princess" then we can't satisfy you."

Jack: "Princess? Meg's no princess...plus it's not like that anymore, I guarentee you."

Renee: "You positive? You pinky swear?"

Jack: "Pinky swear? Quit acting like a child Renee!"

Renee: "I thought you liked girls for their innocence, you've said it before in an interview."

Jack: "You do not twist my words around like that woman!"

Renee: "Okay, okay I'm sorry Jack! Really I am! It's just that I've been through so much stress lately, going to the "Bridget Jones" premieres, planning my...our perfect wedding, worrying that I'm the anti-relationship queen. Well if you're going to break up with me, then all I have to say is "You had me at hello" now pass me a chocolate bar."

Jack: "Oh Ren, you're not the anti-relationship queen. Though I'm not Jerry McGuire..."

Renee: "So do you apologize, Jackee poo?"

Jack: "I guess so, if it'll get you to stop crying."

Renee: "And will you go long with all of my ideas for our wedding?"

Jack: "Well I don't know about the mink carpets..."

Renee: "But I though you liked animal skins?"

Jack: "Well to a point. But I'm more concerned about the cost of a mink carpet. How much would that cost?"

Renee: "Ha ha, um I'm not going to say."

Jack: "Renee!"

Renee: "Well it's my money, so I'll pay for it if I want it."

Jack: "Yeah your money, I've heard it all before..."

Renee: "Well I can't help it if I'm good."

Jack: "Pride goeth before the fall. Remember that Renee."

Renee: "Oh yes I know, I need to 'Humble thyself' and all that, but it's so hard since when I grew up I hardly had any little thing and I had to help my dad with all of the chores, and so on."

Jack: "Yes I know that and I have to say that I came from humble beginnings as well, but it doesn't mean that I have to flaunt my success all of the time."

Renee: "Okay I think I get what you mean...but can I still have our pretty little wedding like I planned? Pretty please?"

Jack: "Oh all right then."

Renee: "Fabulous! Hehe I've just got to call Bobbi Sue and Billie Jean to let 'em know the wedding's on!" "Is Christmas okay, hunny?"

Jack: "Yeah I can make Christmas work. (thinks to himself) "Oh boy what have I gotten myself into?"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

While Jack walks off to another room, Renee dials her girlfriends from back home.

Renee: "Hello Bobbi Sue! It's Renee."

Bobbi: "Renee? I don't know any Renee...hey wait a minute it this..."

Renee: "Yeah it is!"

Bobbi: "Zelly! why I haven't heard from you in too long! Are you making another movie? Why I loved that one that where you was married to Tom Cruise! My he's a hottie!"

Renee: "Well I'm taking a little break from movies because I'm getting mar-ried!"

Bobbi: "Whoo girl ya gettin married? Whoo who! Who to? One of those movies stars?"

Renee: "No no, Jack's in a band."

Bobbi: "Oh is it gonna be like that time 16 years ago when you thought you were gonna marry Hartley, King of the Karioke Bar?"

Renee: "Uh no. Jack likes country music, I think, but he's famous and he isn't like Hartley."

Bobbi: "Jack's a country singer? Has he ever sung with Tim McGraw or Kenny Chesney? Kenny Chesney's a total dish, and if it weren't fer Faith Hill I'd have me a little Tim McGraw on the side! "

Renee: "BOBBI!?! Anyway, no unfortunately Jack hasn't sang with Kenny Chesney or Tim McGraw.

Bobbi: "What about that guy in the Kenny Chesney video where they were in Hawaii? I thought that guy or his friend was from Detroit?"

Renee: "Other guy with Kenny Chesney? Oh I think you meant that "Unce Kracker" guy who's friends with Kid Rock, I think."

Bobbi: "Yeah are you engaged to HIM?"

Renee: "No I'm not engaged to Uncle Kracker, or Kid Rock, before you ask."

Bobbi: "Aw that's too bad. Well anyway you've got to hear about the gossip that's going on about Billie Jean's daughter, Bettie Jean tho you better hear about it from the horses mouth itself. Here let me use my new three-way-calling feature...You ever heard of that?"

Renee: "Yeah I think I have."

Bobbi: "That's cool. Wait til I dial...Oh Billie, it's Bobbi! Well guess who I've got on the phone. Give up? It's Zelly!"

Billie: "Zelly long time no hear! How've you been doing? Anymore movies?"

Renee: "Well..."

Bobbi: "Hesh up Billie, it's not right to ask a movie star about her movies, it's not polite. Anyway guess what, Renee's getting mar-ried to a mu-si-cian!"

Billie: "Is it like that time with Hartley?"

Renee: "Uh no..."

Bobbi: "No he's a famous country singer. He's been in videos."

Renee: "Well he's not just a country singer B..."

Billie: "Is it to that guy in the video with Kenn..?"

Bobbi: "No it ain't Billie, that was someone else. Anyways I called you up so that you can share you'r daughter's story before anyone else does.

Billie: "Oh you mean the story about Bettie Jean getting knocked up by Trent?"

Rene: "Really? Your little Bettie Jean and Trent? Do tell me more!"

Billie: "Well it started like most relationships it started out..."

Meanwhile, Jack goes back home and relaxes for a bit until he hears the doorbell ring. He gets up and answers, discovering it was Meg.

Jack: "Hi Meg it's good to see you again. Boy do I have to tell you about Renee's latest antics..."

Meg: "Yeah Jack we do have to talk, though not about that. I thought about it and I realised that I was being unfair about not letting you marry Renee on the 10th just because it was my little old birthday, so I'll let you down."

Jack: "Oh it's okay about that. Actually..."

Meg: "Uh Jack today I discovered that I'm pregnant and my boyfriend says it's his duty to marry me, whether he's the father or not. So were getting married on my birthday."

Jack: "But that's okay..."

Meg: "Well Roger and I are getting married my birthday, so it's no longer waiting for that because Roger says he wants to do the right thing. "

Jack: :"But"

Meg: "There's all that's been done for that. So long Jack, I've got to go now."

So Meg leaves Jack in bewilderment, when she walks back to her car and drives back to her home.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Renee finishes chatting with her friends and decides to call her wedding planner to ask about booking the ranch that portrayed Southfork. However Renee gets things mixed up a bit.

Renee: "Hello Marie! Yes dahling I'd just love to book Southfork for a little old party and so I'd love to know if it's availible, if you will."

Marie: "Southfork letz zee...hmmm, where is diz Zouthfork?"

Renee: "It's in Texas Marie. Outside Dallas, Texas. Just ask Larry Hagman, he should know."

Marie: "Laree Hag-man? Okee I will vind out. I will call vous back."

(a few minutes pass)

Renee: "Hello? Oh yes Marie so what did you find out? Did Larry say it was okay to come over?"

Marie: "Laree Hag-man says dat he doez not own Zouthfork."

Renee: "What I thought that he surely owned Southfork!" "What else did he say?"

Marie: "He called me a little French maid and asked if my name was Jeannie and if I wanted to come over and rub hiz lamp..."

Renee: "OMG Marie I hope you said 'No'!?"

Marie: "Of course! I'm not zat stupid!"

Renee: "Anyway I thought for sure he owned it! I know give me his number and I'll call him myself."

Marie: "Okee but I'll say I didn't warn you! It's 555-55...."

Renee gets the number from Marie, thanks her and then hangs up with Marie and decides to call Larry.

Larry: "Howdy this is ol' Lar, what can a do ya fer?"

Renee: "Hullo Larry I would like to ask you if I could use your ranch, Southfork, for my weddin' on Christmas..."

Larry: "Sure little gal but I don't own Southfork honey. Still though you can swing by my place any time Jeannie."

Renee: "I'm not Jeannie! Anyway it's too bad you don't own Southfork!"

Larry: "Well you're not Jeannie but I think I can make a deal. I know the people who own Southfork, so I'll give them a call and straighten things out and you can have your little ol' weddin' there if you want to."

Renee: "Oh that would be great Larry! Just reserve it under J & R and that would be fab-u-lous!" "My number is..."

Larry: "Alright I'll do it for ya. J & R hmm, that sounds familiar?..."

Renee: "Talk to you later, bye!"

Renee hangs up right when Jack is walking in.

Jack: "Hi Renee, I hope I wasn't disturbing you or anything."

Renee: "Hi Jackee poo! No you weren't disturbing me at all hunny bunny! In fact things are great! I talked to my friends and they just can't wait to meet you, a real life music star. They've also arranged some people to be your groomsmen if your friends don't work out."

Jack: "Your friends' friends as my groomsmen? I already asked my nephew Ben, and Miller and..."

Renee: "Well those guys are nice enough, but the guys my friends have in mind would do just fine as well. Anyway I already booked 'Southfork' for our wedding so now everything will be just fabulous, that's for sure!"

Jack: "Southfork? Are you SURE Renee? I thought Southfork was just the ranch on the Dallas TV show?"

Renee: "Well I spoke to Larry Hagman and he said that he'll arrange everything as far as the venue goes. Oooh this will be so cool!"

Jack: "If you say so. Anyway I have something to tell you about our getting married."

Renee: "Sure just follow me to my gym and we can talk while I workout on the treadmill. Actually Jack you should try too because you could use a workout as well."

Jack: "I'll just stick with what I do."

Renee: "Aw come on hunny poo a little exercise will do you good...and maybe afterward I'll give you a little exercise of my own tee hee."

Jack: "All right maybe I'll try a couple of your dumb bells while you walk."

So they go to the gym and Renee immediately gets on the treadmill and begins a brisk walk and Jack reluctantly picks up a dumb bell weight and tries an arm curl while he talks to Renee.

Jack: "Well Renee remember how I said I had something to say?'

Renee: "Yeah..."

Jack: "Well today, I talked to Meg and she said that she's getting married to her boyfriend Roger because she thinks that she's pregnant."

Rene: "Oh that's nice."

Jack: "But I don't know, she barely knows the guy. I meaan they haven't been dating that long..."

Renee: "Oh you're always the protective one. She can do what she wants. If she wants to get married she can. As long as it doesn't interfere with my..our big day."

Jack: "Well I guess, but I dunno I guess I'm just used to being each other's protector."

Renee: "Well if you feel that way, maybe she can be a part of our wedding. Sort of as an associate bridesmaid or something. Does that sound fine?"

Jack: "Yeah I guess so, though it's up to her whether or not she wants to be your bridesmaid."

Renee: "I'm sure she'll agree with my terms, they should be quite reasonable indeed." "Hmm, Jack have you ever heard of Rumplestilskin?"

Jack: "Renee you've got to be kidding!"

Renee: "Why do you think so?" "Anyway are you ready for your real workout now? I'm know I'm primed and ready to go!"

Jack: "I think I'm going to be sick." And he runs off holding his mouth in disgust.

Renee: "I was just kidding Jack...although if you are gonna be sick, the bathroom's the second door on the right. And please don't hit my parquet bamboo wood floors, I've just had them buffed and it cost a for-tune!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Jack doesn't get as entirely sick as Renee thought he did, though Renee's idea, or maybe it was her cooking, did disgust him more than a little bit. Anyway, Jack is in no mood for the type of exercise Renee had in mind, so he goes over to a couch to rest.

In the mean time, Renee decides to contact Meg, to ask her if she would like to be in her wedding to Jack.

Renee: (on the phone) "Hello, Meg?"

Meg: "Hello yeah this is Meg."

Renee: "Hi Meg! It"s Renee! I have a little question to ask you but I'd like to ask it in person, may I come over?"

Meg: "Uh hi Renee. Yeah I guess you can come over, but give me a few minutes to clean up first."

Renee: "Okie dokey! I'll be coming over soon. See ya!"

Meg: "Yeah see ya, Renee..." "I wonder what she wants?"

Renee drives over to Meg"s place, in her Porsche, then walks up the drive and knocks on the front door.

Meg: "Oh hi Renee, come in. Just watch out because Elroy's been a bad boy today, leaving little presents on the floor..."

Renee: "Oh thanks for the warning, I"ll try to be careful. So is this your place? It's nice...and so...quaint."

Meg: "Yeah it"s nice enough I guess. It is the second house I"ve bought since Jack and I...well you know."

Renee: "Really? Well you"ve done pretty well, I guess. Still though I just have to give you the number to my interior decorator, Hilary Faye. She just works wonders in houses and could certainly perform a few miracles here. Why she could even update these red & white gingham drapes..."

Meg: (in her mind) "I just made those drapes myself, thank you very much!" Uh Renee that"s enough about my drapes, uh I thought you had a question to ask me?..."

Renee: "Oh yes the question, I nearly forgot. Well I just came over to ask you a teeny little favor...Would you be in my weddin'?"

Meg: "And why would I want to be in your wedding?"

Renee: "Well somebody would really appreciate it if you were and I thought it was a good idea as well."

Meg: "And would that somebody be Jack, may ask?"

Renee: "Yes of course, and I thought i was a good idea especially after your condition and all."

Meg: "My condition? Jack told you about that? Well maybe I was wrong about what I assumed my condition was so then I won"t have to marry Roger just yet."

Renee: "Oh that"s good...although you could still tell Jack ol' Rog is still your fiancee at least."

Meg: "I guess I could say that...though that might be stretching the truth a bit."

Renee: "Well aren't you used to stretching the truth? Especially after that whole "Brother and Sister" act you two had everyone believing!"

Meg: "That was Jack"s idea! Anyway, if I agree to be your bridesmaid, you"ll have to pay."

Renee: "Pay? Oh all right how much do you want, $10? $100?"

Meg: "How about $30,000?"

Renee: "Thirty-thousand? That"s highway robbery!"

Meg: "Ah I see a little of Jack has rubbed off on you! All right 23K and that"s my final offer."

Renee: "Oh fine I"ll pay the $23,000! This better be worth it! Anyway the details of the wedding are that we're going down to my hometown to practice and get things ready for a few weeks before the wedding at Christmas. Now you do not breath a word to anyone about this, or your payment will be rescinded."

Meg: "Okay, I understand. My lips are sealed. Anyway, when is the wedding party going down to Katy, TX is it?"

Renee: "First weekend in December and we"ll be down there for most of the month. You can stay at some of my friends" houses while down there. Actually you should bring Roger along so you can make it a vacation too."

Meg: "Oh okay, yeah I guess I can do that, although I"ll have to buy some new clothes first. Maybe I'll go to Express..."

Renee: "Fine, fine. Well I've got to go now, so I"ll talk to you later. Bye..."

Meg: "Yeah good bye Renee."

Renee: "Ew...what did I step in? My new Reeboks!"

Meg: "Oh you must've found one of Elroy's surprises! Sorry, though I did warn you!"

Renee: "Yeah yeah...argh...Later Meg."

Renee wipes of her shoe and gets into her car and drives home in a bit of a disgust.

Jack: "Ow something smells like dog sh..."

Renee: "Oh hi Jack I didn't know you were still here. Boy did I have a day. I talked to Meg and with a bit of persuasion she agreed to be in the wedding. Then I stepped in one of Elroy"s "presents, right on my new shoes. Then finally I had a time trying to drive home although for some reason almost two cars nearly ran out in front of me..."

Jack: "Oh yeah that explains it! Yeah Elroy"s gifts are something else. So you got Meg to agree to that? That"s interesting, though it"ll certainly be cool that she"s there. And sorry about the traffic Renee..."

Renee: "Well Jackee poo I"m here, but I think I need a shower after the day I've had..."

Jack: "Well I have to get going too, so I'll see you later then."

Rene: "Aw you're not staying? Well I'll talk to you later then."

Then Jack leaves, leaving Renee all alone.

A few days later, Jack & Renee, and Meg & Roger, and whoever else fly down to Texas to stay at Renee"s parents" house and Renee"s friend Billie Jean"s place. Renee"s parents live in an opulent four bedroom ranch though Renee insists that Meg stay at her friend"s ranch which is nearly as nice.

During their stay, Meg"s birthday comes around, so Jack insists that he and Renee take her and Roger to someplace cool. Renee decides to take them to "Midnight Rodeo," where unbeknown to her they're having karaoke night!

Renee: "Now you guys will like this place because it"s really authentic."

Jack: "Oh yeah authentic...Renee I think we've been to a cowboy bar before."

Meg: "I wonder if it"s anything like the Memphis Smoke?"

Renee: "I wonder if it still has the mechanical bull? Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull before?"

Meg: "I might have."

Renee: "I was asking Jack."

Jack: "Yeah she"s actually pretty good. Actually I think that"s how I met her."

Meg: "He-he."

Renee: "Oh yeah lemme guess you met her in a cowboy bar and her bull riding skills are what impressed you, so a few weeks later you two got married in the bar."

Jack: "Well that"s not exactly how it went..."

Renee: "Jack, if you didn't already know I was reciting the first couple scenes from the 1980 John Travolta movie "Urban Cowboy." Now if you think you"re like Travolta's "Urban Cowboy"..."

Billie Jean: "Zelly! It"s so good to see you again! I didn't know you of all people was coming to the "Midnight Rodeo"? Why if we woulda known..."

Renee: "It"s okay Billie..."

Bobbi: "Guess what Z? It"s karaoke night! Remember how fun it was when we used to do that back in the day?"

Renee: "Speakin" of karaoke, is there any sign of ..."

Billie: "Hartley? Aw no! Tonight"s his Bingo night, I think, so there"s no sign of him here!"

Renee: "Good! Oh yeah I'd like you to meet my fiancée Jack, his uh music partner Meg, and her boyfriend Roger."

Billie and Bobbi: "Good to meet you Jack, Roger, Meg..."

Renee: "Oh guess what girls, tonight"s Meg"s birthday so we"ll have to show her a fun time."

So they have a few drinks, then they decide to try out some songs at the karaoke mic.

Renee: "Did anyone find any good songs yet?"

Meg: "Yeah I think I found one for myself."

Renee: "That's cool...Oh HERE's one we could all do! Come on Jack, Meg, Rog, lets all do it it'll be fun."

Jack: "Are you sure about this Renee?"

Renee: "Positive, it"ll be cool and fun. Come on!"

So Renee pulls them all on stage, where they begin singing ABBA"s hit "Take A Chance On Me".

Renee: Oh that was a good song! I didn't know you two could sing like that?

Jack: I didn't know we could either. Yeah ABBA isn't on the top of our list of favorites usually for he Stripes...but yeah it was fun. Good job to you to, Meg.

Meg: "Oh thanks Jack."

Renee: "Is anyone else going to go? I"ll have to look through the list again."

Meg: "I"ll go now."

Then Meg ascends the stage to sing a song on her own, which turns out to be "Son Of a Preacherman."

Meg: "Now the only boy who could ever teach me was the sweet talking son of a preacherman..." (looking straight at Jack.)

Jack: "Wow she"s doing a good job! Maybe we should add that song to our list of what she can sing on stage!"

Renee: "Yeah she"s singing good...a little too good in my honest opinion!" (_"Hmm, I __wonder "who" she"s singing that for? "Preacherman" my a$$!") _

Suddenly a short, gangly guy walks in and comes up to Renee.

Hartley: "My golly I can"t believe it"s you Renee! It's really yoo!"

Renee: (_"Oh no"_) "Oh hello Hartley long time no see."

Hartley: "Yeah it"s been a long time! Too long in fact! So why are ya in town again Renee?"

Renee: "Well I"d like you to meet my fi-an-cee, Jack. We"re here for our wedding!"

Hartley: "Weddin'? Why congratulations Renee! Hey that reminds me didn't we have a little unfinished business concerning a weddin" once?..."

Renee: "Uh no we don't, Hartley? That was already cleared up ages ago."

Hartley: "Aw shucks, okay. Anyways will you do me one last favor and sing some karaoke for old times sake?"

Renee: "Oh all right Hartley, if you insist."

Renee then follows Hartley on stage where they sang an interesting (to say the least) rendition of Sonny & Cher"s "I Got You Babe." Leaving Jack & Meg in stitches.

Renee and Hartley finished their song, and Hartley wanted them to sing another song but Renee didn't want to. Hartley then went on to sing "Muleskinner Blues," while Renee went and sat down beside Jack and Meg.

Renee: "So what did you think?"

Jack: "Interesting song choice Renee."

Meg: "Yeah it was cute, sort of."

Renee: "Ah it was okay, thought I'd rather I'd sang it with YOU Jack!"

Jack: "Well maybe another time."

Renee: "But I thought you were a performer?"

Jack: "I am but I"m not into very many of the songs that are listed on the karaoke roster."

Renee: "Well you can get into them..."

Meg: "Uh Renee, so is that guy "Hartley" we've been hearing about?"

Renee: "Yeah unfortunately. His name is Roy Hartley and he had a major crush on me in high school, although I thought he was a total nerd. Anyway one time, a long time ago I might add, Hartley tried asking me to this town festival they were having and I thought that I"d tell him I"d go...but in the end I didn"t. Then he told my daddy that I"d stood him up on our date, so my daddy made us go out. I think we went to a movie, Hartley tried to propose but I told him no. Hartley though for some reason thought I"d said yes, so when he came by to pick me up "to elope" I put up a royal fuss. Eventually he left...and that was that...and lets just leave it at that."

Jack: "Wow what a story, I'm surprised that you even agreed to sing with him."

Renee: "Well I felt a little guilty about my past...Anyway Jack they"re having a dance contest, lets do it."

Jack: "No way Renee!"

Meg: "Don"t bring up line dancing in front of Jack because it"ll bring back too many bad memories from high school."

Renee: "What? I've got to hear this!"

Meg: "Should I tell them Jack?"

Jack: "All right but make it quick."

Meg: "Well to make a long story short, it was back in high school right around the time I had just met Jack, so it was probably around late 1992. Anyway, at my high school somehow I got hooked in to helping out with my school"s annual Sadie Hawkins Dance, but I didn't really realize it had a western theme. Anyway I invited Jack to come to it so that I wouldn't be totally bored, and we were just friends at the time so it didn't mean anything at the time. Well we spent most of the evening hanging out off to the side, minding our own business, when one of my friends convinced Jack and I to join them in their rendition of that "Achie Breaky Heart" dance, which Jack hated the song to anyway. Well when it came to trying to dance, somehow Jack's pants ripped, he ran out of there and...well I had to go help him."

Renee: "Oh dear, poor Jack... So how did you help him?"

Meg: "Well we found out duct tape works miracles...but it does do a number on body hair... "

Jack: "That"s enough of your story Meg!"

Meg: "Oh sorry Jack, I forgot."

Renee: "I guess that"s enough visualizations...oh here comes my public!"

A few people begin to approach the group from the side. It"s mostly a group of girls with cameras.

Jack: "Oh crap it's the photogs, lets get out of here!"

Renee: "But they're my people!"

Jack: "Don"t you remember what said? I wanted privacy, so lets go."

Renee: "Oh all right. Buh-Bye fans!"

They hurry out of the bar through a back entrance and into Renee"s awaiting car, which zooms off into the night.

Time passes there without incident for two more weeks, though Renee"s on the phone constantly to her caterers, florists, wedding planner, etc. to make sure everything goes right.

Renee: (call 1) "Now remember I said I wanted butter cream frosting on the cakes...And yes it will be five layers high with flowers and peppermint candy cane-like ribbons on the side. Oh you can put ribbon candy on it too? That would be fabulous! Oh yes and I want the wedding soup to be perfect, and the petit" fours, and the pork barbeque, and the apple pie, and the champagne, and...Oh you can do that? Great! I"ll talk to you later."

Renee: (call 2) "Yes I want the black gowns with a red sash for the bridesmaids. I"m having four, no five bridesmaids; Billie, Bobbi, Sandra, Bettie, and Meg...Oh you can do the fittings here? That would be fabulous Carolina because there"s one gal who"s like 8 months pregnant so you"ll have to make a special fitting for her. ...Oh I"m glad for your willingness to help, your such a good friend Carolina."

After a while Renee and Jack put together the last of the details for their wedding, though for some reason they neglect to check into the location until it"s nearly the day of the wedding. Everyone, including the trucks loaded with the wedding supplies, rolls into the front portico of the estate ranch that portrayed "Southfork" on "Dallas." Suddenly a group of people come to the door.

Owner: "Hello, what do you want? We already had the Dallas crew and a bunch of people here a few weeks ago for a Dallas Reunion Special. I didn"t they"d have another one so soon?"

Renee: "Well as you probably already know I"m Renee Z. and we"re here to set up for my wedding!"

Owner: "Wedding? I haven"t heard anything about no wedding! My family and I have already made plans for a big family Christmas. We have no room for you and a wedding group."

Renee: "But but..."

Jack: "Leave it Renee."

Owner: "I"ll give you ten minutes to clear all of this stuff out of here, or I"ll call the cops."

Jack: "Uh Renee I think he means business, lets get outta here!"

Renee: "Oh all right!...Well friends and family, we have a little snafu but it should be no big deal...haha hmm...We"ll have the wedding soon, just as soon as we find a venue to have it at."

Jack: "Why don't we just have it at your parents" ranch?"

Renee: "It's too small."

Mrs. Z. : "Too small? Why I thought you loved our place dear?"

Renee: "It"s okay mom, it"s just I wanted someplace bigger!"

Billie: "How about the lawn outside the Baptist church? I"m sure Pastor Dan wouldn"t mind."

Renee: "Oh yeah Pastor Dan, I forgot about him! Oh if you could work that out, it"d be great!"

Bobbi: "Yeah that would be a great idea! I sort of remember my husband telling me something about the Baptist Church"s lawn, though I forget what it was?"

So Renee"s whole entourage heads over to the Baptist Church and begins to set up for the wedding. For the most part the preparations, tents, flowers, etc. go off without a hitch. Renee"s wedding party get measured for their dresses, meanwhile she helps Jack set up his side of the deal.

Renee: "Oh Jackee poo I"m so sorry that your friends couldn"t make it to the wedding! But I have the perfect replacements for them, my friends" husbands Chip and Skip, Paul and Boyd!"

Jack: "I am not having some dudes named 'Chip and Skip' in my wedding!"

Renee: "Aw come on Jack, do it for me! It"s just one little ol day."

Jack: "I don't know Renee..."

Renee: "You won't regret it and it'll be over so fast that nobody will have to know."

Jack: "Maybe, but if his leaks to the press, you'll have to pay."

Everything gets set up, however when it comes to the mink carpet, there's a bit of a mix up and instead Renee gets 300 live chinchillas.

Renee: "What are all of these rats doing around here?"

Courier: "These are the 300 chinchillas you order ma'am."

Renee: "I never ordered 300 chinchillas!"

Courier: "It says right here, 300 feet of Chinchillas."

Renee: "I ordered at 300 ft mink carpet, not Chinchillas! Carpet!"

Courier: "Well I guess there's been a mix up with our delivery, but I need to go to another order, so watch the Chinchillas until I get back."

Renee: "Goodbye, but bring me back my carpet, okay?!" "Now what am I going to do with 300 Chinchillas?"

Meg: "Aw they're cute, may I keep one?"

Renee: "Be my guest! Now what am I going to do with the rest? Give them out as party favors?"

So eventually the wedding party assembles, a fur carpet is delivered and unrolled down the makeshift aisle, but the Chinchillas stay. Renee gets dressed in her gown, but freaks out a bit that the carpet is the wrong color. One of Renee's friends calm her down, as well as they could. Meanwhile Meg spills something on her bridesmaid dress, so she takes it o a dry cleaner to have it cleaned. In less than an hour she gets a dress back and hurries back just in time to put it on.

As the wedding party's guests assemble, the sky begins to darken.

Sandra: "Uh Renee it looks like it's gonna storm."

Renee: "It will not storm on MY wedding day! I talked to Helen"s daughter Joan and asked her to put in a good word to God about it. Although she told me it doesn't work that way...then she went on about being with her artist boyfriend Alan or Adam (?) and Meg told her life doesn't always work that way, then she started speaking to Meg strangely, asking her questions like if being with her boyfriend caused her friend to die or something?"

Sandra: "Yeah Joan's sort of a strange girl, but I don't think she meant any harm with her questions or comments. Anyway I think you should be more concerned with the weather, Renee."

Renee: "Well I don't care, the show must go on."

Renee, at the last minute spots Meg wearing a black dress, but it certainly isn't the black dress that she picked out for her bridesmaids.

Renee: "What are you doing in THAT dress?"

Meg: "There must've been a mix up at the cleaners or something. Oh well sorry if it looks like it does. Uh I can't change now because it's time to start."

The music starts and the bridesmaids walk out, three in matching black sheath gowns, and Meg in what looks like a black wedding dress! This fact makes Jack take a double take and not know what to think.

The music swells, and Renee starts to gracefully walk down the aisle, when suddenly one of the diamonds in her shoe catches in the mink carpeting and she falls flat on her face!

Everyone is shock and stunned, but the ever resilient Renee gets up and starts walking down the aisle. Suddenly a thunderclap is heard and the rain begins to fall! Renee quickly rushes under the tent, although her dress has water stains around the hem.

Pastor Dan begins the sermon, which goes well for a while, until Renee get to the part with her solo, they realize that the rain had shorted out all of the electric sound equipment! Plus it was hard to hear Renee's warbling over the thunder! The thunder calms down long enough for Jack and Renee to say part of their vows, when the wind picks up. Suddenly, someone shouts "Tornado!" and the wind starts blowing harder as a funnel cloud approaches!

Everyone starts running in a panic for the basement of the church and they make it in barely enough time as the small tornado passes within 1000 ft of the church. Somehow some of the guests grab a few of the boxed butterflies as take them with them into the basement. They huddle in the basement though Renee is still determined to go on with the wedding.

Renee: "Pastor Dan lets finish the wedding ceremony now!"

Jack: "Now? Are you crazy, Renee?"

Renee: "DO NOT CALL ME CRAZY! YOU LITTLE..."

Pastor Dan: "Ms. Zelewegger will you please calm down? I know that this is your wedding day, but I don't think it would be of your best interest to continue at this moment."

Renee: "This is MY wedding and if I want to get married today then today it will be."

Pastor Dan: "All right then, Will you Renee Zellweger take John Anthony White as your lawfully wedded husband?"

Renee: "I do, I do! Go on..."

Pastor Dan: "Will you John Anthony White take Renee..."

Bettie: "Argh! Aaaa!"

Renee: "What now?"

Billie: "Bettie is having her baby now."

Pastor Dan: "I'm a trained paramedic, I'll help!"

Renee: "But what about my wedding?..."

Ignoring Renee's pleas, Pastor Dan and Jack go over to young Bettie and Dan delivers the baby while Jack, the ever curious about medical procedures guy he is, watches on.

Right after the tornado leaves and the storm dies down, every exits the church to find Renee's wedding decorations and supplies in shambles, and the white mink carpet wrapped around the church steeple like a giant fuzzy scarf!

Renee: "My wedding, it's ruined! Waaah!"

Jack: "Oh don't be so hard on yourself Renee! Maybe we can still get married sometime in Detroit if you want to."

Renee: "Oh all right..."

Meg: "Hey Jack I think there's something going on with the church, wanna check it out?"

Jack: "Okay sure."

Jack rushes over to the church and helps Meg open the door. Suddenly all of the butterflies which were suppose to be at the end of the wedding fly out and over their heads. Also over their heads is what loks like mistletoe.

Meg: "Hey Jack remember what they say about mistletoe."

Jack: "But of course."

And he gives her dramatic, mock kiss, and mostly just a hug.

Renee: "Oh no! Waaah!"

The End.

_________________


End file.
